Saturday, June 03, 2006

Another restless night..

I have been having trouble sleeping tonight. I crashed early but then I had a dream, a very specific dream. I've had this dream before...several times actually and it doesn't get any easier.

I dream that I am sitting on a picnic table. Uncle Randy is sitting next to me. It's him. He is smiling at me. He smells like he just got out of the shower.... a nice, clean, soap smell. It's him. He has a beer in one hand and he puts his other hand on my shoulder. He's talking to me. It's his voice but he is speaking a language I have never heard before. It's him. In my dream, I don't understand his words but I feel like I know what he is saying. I can't explain it. I can't translate....but I know. He laughs and it makes me laugh too. It makes me feel better, whatever it is he is saying. It's him, it really is. Then I wake up. That happiness that I felt in the dream washes away and I am flooded with sadness. I know its just because I miss him and I really wish that visit was real. I can't sleep after I have those dreams. I toss and turn, trying to shut off my brain.

A friend of mine said dreams like those are real visits. She says he comes to me in my dreams. She read something about it once in a book. I'm not sure I believe that....but some part of me wants to. I took his death pretty hard. We all did. Maybe I am lucky that I have such vivid dreams of him. Maybe he is trying to tell me to hold onto the happy feeling he gives and to take it into my waking moments...straight through the moment that I realize it was just a dream and the sadness washes over me. Straight through and beyond. I'm not sure how to do that. I mean, there are lots of instances where I think of him and smile, laugh, rejoice over the happiness he brought me while he was alive. When I fall on my butt, or show my klutzy side, I blame him for my folly....like he had a hand in it, playing a prank on me from the grave or something. I catch myself laughing, saying "Thanks Uncle Randy!"

You know, I went to a Medium with a friend several years ago. She was the one that wanted to do it, I said I would go along. The Medium was supposed to be very good but I wasn't sure I believed in that kind of thing. We were the last people of the night. I made her go first, because I knew it meant more to her. I've told this story a million times...so I won't go into all the details but I will say, that she wasn't in there more than a minute before they came and got me. The things he was saying meant nothing to her...but to me, well I was shocked that I instantly knew what he was talking about. Things came out that he couldn't know, things my friend couldn't know. I didn't give him anything...I was conscious of that. Details were spilling out, about family, about relationships, about Randy...things that still take my breath away. When I left that evening....for once in my life I was speechless. People that know me, know that that is a true event to be noted.

When the medium told me that Randy visited me often...I wasn't surprised. I've often felt like he was nearby, maybe that is because he is entwined in so many of my childhood memories...maybe its because his family has weighed on my mind so heavily since he passed away. It wasn't that I thought his spirit visited me....it was that his memory visited me. You know what I think, I think my dreams of him are my way of keeping him in my life... breathing, talking , smiling and laughing, because that is what I need on some level. In that case, they are dreams of gold...more precious than words can convey.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think you're right - you miss Randy and your dreams are a way of remembering him and grieving for him too. I think he'd like that you have fond memories of him and that you miss him.

{{hugs}}

Netter said...

I sounded like a looney in that post...but what do you expect with little sleep. My friend always tells me not to post when I have had little or no sleep. I never listen.....I should rethink that idea, huh.

Anonymous said...

You don't sound like a looney!! You should hear what thoughts cross my mind when I'm up all night unable to sleep. It's ca-razy! If there's any time to be in a sorry state, it's at 3 am.

Netter said...

Thanks Sue, you are right...I'm not going to worry about guys in little white jackets jumping out of the bushes to get me now. I honestly don't believe a straight jacket would look flattering on me.