Thanks for telling me...

So, Cliff had suckered me into taking Sam to his tennis lesson this morning. However, he forgot to tell me last night that the plans had changed and that they were leaving for New Jersey after Sam's lesson so I wouldn't have to take him. I didn't sleep well last night and my alarm went off at 7:30, so I got up and Nancy caught me headed to the bathroom and told me the news. Lovely! So I stood in front of the mirror contemplating what I wanted to do. Stay up, take a shower, do something productive or crawl back into bed and sleep the morning away. Well, I chose to slip under my fluffy warm comforter. I woke up several times but I wasn't feeling so swell, so I fell back to sleep. Then I thought I would get up but someone who I don't really want to see...EVER...was on the computer and I decided to waste some time until she left. Once I heard her go up stairs I jumped in the shower. When I got out of the shower, I heard her go out the front door. Aww, alone at last! Peace and quiet! I've been dinking around the house trying to decide what I want to do today. I think I will just hang out and do some fun stuff. When I get bored with that, I will put away the rest of my Christmas decorations and organize my craft area...its a pit. I'm going to put a deadline on everyone else's Christmas decorations. The tree's must be taken down and put away by the end of the month or its going to be World War III around here.

Click on the latest postcard to read the back

You know, I'm terrible, really terrible. I harass people until I can force them into sending me a postcard. I know, I know, its a bad thing to do. I just can't help myself. My latest victim was cousin Jeff. He went to San Diego with Marla on a business trip. When I found out, I went into action and it looks like my pestering really worked. I told him, "Hey, if your sister could send me a postcard from Jamaica on her HONEYMOON, you can send me a postcard from Marla's business trip. Hey, it worked...plus, his comments on the back of the card cracked me up.

GREAT! JUST GREAT!

No, you go start the plane. I have to use the restroom.

If the walls could talk...

I was invited to Roberta's house today to take picture of a huge African sculpture that her parents want to donate to a museum. Roberta's brother is in the middle of ripping apart the upstairs bathroom. In the process he discovered this wedding portrait and the mirror inside the walls.(Click on the photo to see a larger view of it.) They are a little dusty but well preserved. We checked out the back of the photo but there is not a name listed. I think they have lived in that house for 40 or more years but they happen to know where one of the three guys lives that built the house. Roberta is going to take the picture over to him and see if the guy knows anything about it. If he doesn't she is going to see if he knows where the other two guys are. One used to live in the area but she isn't sure if he still does. I just think it would be so neat if they knew who the couple in the photo is and if they had been looking for that photo. You never know. Interesting huh.

101 random things about Katie...that cause me to have strokes!

I think I should start this by putting a disclaimer on here. I am not responsible for anything Katie wrote in her homework assignment. I see that she started to cop out, but that is Katie...lol, FREAK! As far as which girl she is in the picture...read her list and you will know. Don't hold this against me....sigh, she's going to give me a stroke yet. I just know it! My responses are in purple.

1. I am lactose intolerant
2. My boobs are AMAZING hahaa
3. Lefty is bigger than Righty
4. I write with my right hand, but am lefty in pool and Frisbee
5. I’m an awful swimmer
6. I am even more awful at cooking
7. I once fucked up easy mac (I put the cheese in before I microwaved it) **LANUGUAGE!**
8. I obsess over albums for weeks in order to accept it into my little realm of Katie music
9. I stopped eating cereal because Spoons are evil **I thought we agreed it was Squirrels**
10. I am obsessive compulsive when it comes to my perfume bottles that I don’t even use
11. I was born with a sex drive **cuddle bunny**
12. I went crazy the first month of college and hooked up with 15 different people **STORKE**
13. I’m a math nerd and actually enjoy solving calc problems and all that shiz
14. When watching Mean Girls, I paused the movie when Lindsay Lohan had to answer the final mathletes question, wrote down the equation, solved it, and proved Tina Fey wrong. In case you were wondering, there is a limit, it is ½.
15. Kenny G (Math Enthusiast / Badass MC) from mean girls is the love of my life.
16. I love writing, but I’ve never finished a story
17. I’m a stubborn ass
18. And that is why I refused to ever get singing lessons.
19. I’m feisty and aggressive (which is why Netter calls me her little hippo)
20. I think about sex more than most men **stroke**
21. I have a penis Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays- and my boyfriend is okay with that …. I always knew he was gay ;-) **LOL**
22. My friend Dan said to me the first week of school, “Wow, I was worried that I was going to go to college and freak people out with my perverted mind, but I’d have to say you are the most perverted person I’ve ever met.” **its true**
23. I never really LOVED acting until I got to college and escaped the evil whore that is my high school theatre teacher
24. The perfect profession for me would be a porn director/ writer. An example of a porno I’d produce would be: “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead and the Mexican Landscaper is Taking Advantage of Her” **Aw, follow your dream...just don' t act in them...PLEASE**
25. I quit Softball because I hated the gnats (and I wasn’t that great either)
26. I LOVE badminton
27. I’m always blamed for corrupting people
28. I’d have to say I’m usually guilty
29. I always get involved with guys that either have girlfriends or just broke up with them, so ultimately I’m screwed.
30. I made up a Guess Who game called “Guess Who Threesome”… it’s Guess Who for smart people
31. I’m obsessed with the game “Dream Phone”…. SOOOOO GOOD
32. Youu’reee Right! I reeealllly like youuuuu.
33. I used to call one of the guys from that game . Scott. He was so dreamy… too bad he wasn’t real, and it was a 555 number 
34. My prom date hated me after prom because “her feet kept getting hurt, and mr. denton got more ass than me”
35. I dunno if he said the mr. denton part, but mr. Denton is the fat football coach who gave me a foot massage at prom because I dislocated my toe twice on the dance floor.
36. I once had to have a guy forcibly removed from my room ( props to my amazing guy friends)
37. The guy that was forcibly removed from my room kept spanking me… WHO THE FUCK SPANKS PEOPLE WHEN THEY’RE MAKING OUT?!?! **STROLE...language control...STROKE***
38. I hate snow. It is evil
39. Movies affect me way too much, which is why I can’t watch scary movies.
40. When I was little I refused to admit that I liked a movie.
41. I am a VERY critical person
42. I don’t mean to be
43. I’ve never told anyone that I loved them… except for family and close friends
44. I play games with guys… you can say that I’m a cock tease, but I enjoy experimenting **STROKE**
45. I’ve kissed a girl… several times… sober.
46. I lost my virginity to a guy who the very next day told me he wasn’t over his ex girlfriend (I haven’t trusted a guy since) **poor Katie**
47. I once had a bootycall who I called Bootycall… poor guy. I started ignoring him when these girls told me that he really liked me. What’s worse than a clingy bootycall?
48. I once did the worst thing a girl could do. I was in some guys room (I was VERY drunk) and we were making out.. some how all our clothes were off and he was on top of me and he was like “should I go get a condom?” and I replied, “Oh, we’re not having sex.” And thennnn…. He tried to go down on me but I couldn’t feel anything so I turned him over and proceeded to go down on him, but it was taking a while and my jaw started to hurt so I said “Fuck it” and passed out next to him. HAHAHAHAA. Poor guy. **STROKE**
49. I crashed every single frat formal (except for 1 cuz I was going to the Frisbee formal with Justin)
50. At the Frisbee formal Justin and I were the only ones not drinking so we were a bit bored so we decided to strip, and see if anyone notices. They did, well especially after he stuck his finger through his fly and I started sucking his finger making it look like I was giving him a blowjob. **lol, mini stroke**
51. I’ve never skied before
52. I hate smiling for pictures… I like posing with retarded faces **note photo above**
53. I’m really good at the things I’m good at and I’m pretty terrible at the things I’m bad at.
54. I love tea
55. I miss kissing my boyfriend
56. I am currently talking to the asshole that deflowered me… haha
57. I usually wear the pants in the relationship.
58. I like playing pranks on my roommate
59. I don’t know what I’d do without my Netter **awwww! What do you want?**
60. I am extremely ticklish
61. I once kicked my friend in the face when my other friend was tickling me… and I didn’t even notice.
62. I once kicked Netter in the face when she woke me up for school. Hahaha. **That hurt...but its funny now**
63. Yogurt? I hate Yogurt. Even with strawberries!
64. I love Mel Brooks
65. I love Kevin Smith
66. I made up a fake boyfriend with my friend named “Keith Boa”
67. I am a huge loser **uh...no**
68. This is really tedious **stop complaining**
69. Annette is a prostitute **HEY...there goes your care packages and birthday presents**
70. I’ve never eaten Cocoa Puffs
71. I have to pee so bad right now it hurts **to much info**
72. I enjoy dancing like an idiot
73. I hate when guys consider thrusting their crotches into girl’s asses dancing
74. I hate potatoes
75. I love ranch dressing with everything, except on salad
76. I just peed, and it was glorious. **lovely**
77. I hate expressing how I feel.
78. The Red Hot Chili Peppers make me giggle with joy
79. So does the amateur porn your mom and dad made. **oh man!**
80. Tara Reid is a super hero.
81. Golum/Smeigal from Lord of the Rings was based on Mary Kate and Ashley Olson **lol**
82. I caused global warming
83. I’m wearing a lovely red bra that I bought with Netter
84. I have a vagina today
85. My lips are chapped
86. I never had a favorite teddy bear
87. I used to be obsessed with Trolls
88. I like water
89. A lot **this doesn't count**
90. I’ve been told that I corrupt people
91. Annette is a bad influence **WHAT! I don't think so, smart ass**
92. But I love her to death **is that why you try to give me a stroke?**
93. And I would never call her a bitch and actually mean it coughshannoncough **thanks!**
94. I’m sooo bored **its homework, what do you expect!?**
95. Vagina ***YOU OWE ME 10 MORE FOR THE FOLLOWING ENTRIES, Miss Katie! You know the rules, no touchy feely with Justin if you don't hand in your completed homework.***
96. Vagina
97. Vagina
98. Vagina
99. Vagina
100. Vagina
101. Vagina

You can sleep, just don't close your eyes.

Kips comment on the last post got me thinking of all the terrible things you can do to people while they are sleeping. Kip fed his Cousin Billy a piece of cake, one bite at a time. Strange.

In my family, we were a little more devious. Things we put in peoples mouths:

-Those little hot pepper flakes you put on pizza. We just dropped them in one at a time while they were sleeping. Talk about funny, try it yourself, those little buggers get hot.

-Take a straw, dip it in dill pickle juice, put your finger over the end of the straw to create a vacuum an collect some juice. While the persons mouth is open, drop a small amount of juice on their tongue. They'll make funny faces and lick their chops.

-We also put salt in my Dad's mouth....but that didn't do much because he tends to eat a lot of salt anyway.

I think it is more fun to actually do things to someone.

-We put mini band aids on someone's face once. He woke up and didn't know that he was walking around talking to people with about 10 on his face, until he went to the bathroom and then he was a little confused.

-I once painted my pops big toe nail with black car enamel paint. Man was he pissed when he woke up. He made me scrub it off with a brillo pad.

-We use to put shaving cream on someone's hand and then tickle their nose with a feather. That was always good.

-Then there was the time we put blue glitter toothpaste on Jesse, shaving creme and little barrettes in his hair when he fell asleep one Thanksgiving. We had been playing games and he was on our team. Of course we took photos. Mwahahaha....good times. A few years ago he was asking who had those pictures. LOL, we all played dumb but everyone knew I had them. Now, the whole world can see.

Thanks you Sam!

I was sitting on the sofa tonight, reading a new book, which I thought was very good. I fell asleep anyway. Sam woke me up at 9:30 to see if I had taken my medicine. He knew I had to wait a long time after I ate and that I took it aound that time last night. I was out like a light. O..U...T! I don't think I would have woken up on my own. Sam was laughing and he said I was asleep at 8 when he came down to use the computer and that he had never heard me sleeping so quietly. He said I hardly snored at all, just once or twice for a quick second and that was it. Nice to know. lol.

The Bubble Gum Farm

I have created a new website. Anyone that wants to be a memeber is more than welcome to email me and I will send you an invitation. I decided that since I have a big old head and shoebox full of fun stuff to do with kids, that perhaps I should create a website for everyone to use on a rainy day. Its really a mish-mosh of stuff. It's in its beginning stages but I will be adding links to kid friendly sites and activities. Frankly, I have had as much fun with all of these ideas as the kids....except when it came to cleaning up GOOP....man, you have to let them sit in the bathtub to play with that stuff. I'll be adding those directions later. Whatever you do...put them in the bathtub. You will thank me for it later. Just click the link above or the last link on my sidebar.

Katie's homework assignment...

Yes, it is true that I have pulled rank as a former nanny and have given Katie a little homework. It must be done before she gets to be all touchy feely with her boyfriend Justin. If that doesn't pressure her to get the job done, nothing will. lol, right Katie! Anyway, she has to write 101 random facts about herself. She is a natural writer so she will have that list done in about an hour. I can't wait, check back later. ***disclaimer*** as Katies former nanny, I can not be held responsible for anything unsavory that she may write. It's not my influence.

There's Something About Katie...

Katie was 10 when the movie There's something About Mary, came out in the theatres. Her brother Chris, was 14. Their Mom told me to take them to the movie one afternoon. If either of us had know about a few of the scenes in the flick, I'm sure we would have seriously reconsidered that idea. So there I am, sitting in the movie with Katie to my left and Chris sitting an isle in front of us.

The bathroom scene came on where Ben Stillers character is taking care of some business, if you know what I mean, and I was sweating bullets, wondering if I should yank Katie out in the hall or if she even actually knew what was going on. That scene lasts forever too.
Suddenly she leans over and asks, "What is he doing?"
I lean back and say, "Washing his hands."
Her reply, "Oh."
Then she leans over again, and asks, "Why is he doing it for so long and making that face?"
I reply, "His hands are really dirty."
Whew, she bought that.
Then she leans over again, "What is he looking for?"
My reply, "The newspaper he was reading before."
Her reply, "Oh"
Whew, safe again.
Then he is standing at the door, something dangling from his ear.
Katie leans over, "What is that?"
my reply, "You know how soft soap dispensers get that gunk on the top sometimes...that is what it is."
Katie says, "Oh, yeah."
Mary puts the gunk aka "hair gel" in her bangs.
Katie laughs, "She thought the soap was hair gel!"

Crisis avoided. I should have just told her the truth, but that was not the time or place to go into the whole story or process. I'd leave that for her parents.

FLASH FORWARD: Katie is now 15 or 16 years old. She calls me up and the first words out of her mouth are, "YOU LIED TO ME!" My mind rolls, trying to figure out what she is talking about. I reply, "What? I did? About what?"
That is when Katie told me that she watched the movie There's Something About Mary with her friends and she informs me that he wasn't washing his filthy hands, looking for his newspaper and that was not hair gel. We both start laughing. I explained, that at the time, I didn't want to go into it and she bought the story because she was an innocent little sweet girlie. She forgave me for feeding her that crap and we both got a great laugh out of it. I think that was the fastest I have ever been on my toes. I was actually very proud that I did such a good job covering up the truth to a 10 year old. I remember Chris and I laughing about it after the movie. Ah, good times.

Redneck Wednesday

I told Mom that the next thing Pop would be wanting to install at the house is a new door bell. Some people like having dead critters hanging around and have way too much time on their hands. Its kind of scary.

One problems solved.....

... one to go... Hmmm now what do I do about the clowns that Kip wants to send over to my house. I've got Eddie and Evelyn plotting against me. Listen guys, I have a job to do...don't get in the way of a lady and her duty as Cheif S and P. I'm a problem solver and a problem causer, so just be careful you don't bite off more than you can chew. Like my Pop always says, "Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you." Maybe he shoud share that bit of wisdom with Dewey.

Inquiring minds want to know....

...what was Aunt Vickie doing when she got her head stuck in the steering wheel of a 65 mustang? Vickie, you can't open that can of worms with out going into details. You know I'm going to make up a story if you don't volunteer one. Mine will be very creative and extremely dirty. Who knows, it may even be the truth....lol. Do tell Vic, do tell.

Don't chew it....it could be tainted.

There is just something terribly wrong with this product. I think we all know my opinion on that particular rodent. I'll try to keep an open mind about this but I still wonder if its not some kind of plot for world domination on their part. The gather, they gather and they gather more. I don't see them sharing their bounty with hungry field mice. There is something odd about that.

There is a new Chief in town...

...and that Chief would be ME. My first official act as the International Chief of Slacking and Procrastination is to keep a close eye on Cousin Kip. He's on a roll right now but we are only a few weeks into the year. He'll slack off and that is when I will swoop in with my forces and set him back on the right path. I will also have my undercover guys watching Cindy. I know how she likes putting off that laundry. Well, not this year, oh no, not this year! Don't make me ticket you!

What Tisha has to look forward to...

This isn't one of Dewey's bears. With his luck though, this could happen. I'm sure it is a wild bear that got very hungry. You know bears are pretty smart when it comes to getting something to fill their tummy. They always remeber where they got a bite to eat in the past and they will return year after year to see if they can get lucky again.

So far 2006 is not being a good house guest!

I was out running my errands today. I went to Blockbuster and returned two DVD's, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some added supplies for the bake sale at Sam's school, and then I took Nancy's suit into the cleaners to have the gravy stains cleaned. That is where things started to go down hill. I got back in the van and I couldn't get the key to turn. I checked all the things you would normally check. The van WAS in park, the steering wheel was not locked. The gear shift wouldn't even shift into neutral so I could give it a little roll. I rocked the van...nothing, I turned the wheel back and forth, nothing. I hit the alarm pad again...just in case, nothing. I went inside, the guy that runs the store came out, he was at a loss...I borrowed his phone book and called Ronnie our mechanic who is just down the road. Ronnie came right over. He couldn't get it to work. He drove me and my groceries home so we could try another key. The master key didn't work either. So, Ronnie took me back home and he is going to tow the van to the shop. Yes, 2006 is not being very kind to us so far. Ho Hum. I'd rather have old man 2005 hanging around because the new baby 2006 is already causing problems. I'm just going to have to put my foot down. This behavior is not acceptable.

Fran always wondered why her car ran funny after a visit from Frank.

It's going to take more than that to thrill me, Buddy!

I drank a whole bottle...I don't think it worked.

My Mother is going to kill me for this...

...but hey, sometimes you have to live dangerously. This picture reminded me of something. Ok, here is the story. A few years ago I was helping Mom fix the outside porch door on the back of the house. This was at the old house. We took the door off the hinges and we were grinding down the top and the side so the door would not stick so much.
Mom was standing at one end and suddenly said, "Oh shoot!"
I said, "What?"
She said, "We didn't mark the door so we'd know which side is the top."
I looked at her and said, "You're not serious."
She said, "Yes I am."
I said, "You're kidding me, right?"
She said, "No."
I said, "You are kidding me."
She said, "No, I'm not, I'm serious. How are we going to know ?"
At this point I realized she was serious and not just kidding but I couldn't resist myself, that is when I said, "Well, WE Pollocks put the window on top."
At which point we both started laughing hysterically. In her defense, she was standing at the top of the door and couldn't see the window from her point of view but I have never let her live it down.

Guess who!

How can you not know who this is if you know my Uncle Gary? He has more hair now, so his ears don't stick out so bad and his taste in shirts has not changed. LOL. 

My Sister....

1. I think I should share this lovely picture of my sister, Tisha, with the world. It's her as a teenager in her nightshirt, wearing our Mom's old cat-eye glasses, while holding a giant paper flower that we got at the state fair and making a face. No, wait, that was just her everyday look. lol, no seriously it wasn't. She is going to kill me if I start making fun of her. Oh heck, she will kill me anyway. She is a viscous little vixen.
   Interesting facts about Tisha:
   1. Tisha's brain was too big for her skull and she recently had surgery to take the pressure from that condition off her spinal cord.
   2. She is allergic to Morphine and the hospital kept giving it to her even though they knew this would make her throw up. They were idiots.
   3. She married a man who thinks buying bears and keeping them on your farm is a wonderful idea.
   4. She has a scar on the corner of her mouth from the time I told her to drop our cat in the snow. She did and he tried to grab on to her to keep his paws dry.
   5. She claims that I am "so F&#%ing jolly" that I "make her sick."
   6. She once wanted help climbing up in a tree. Then when she got up there, she wanted help getting down. I left her up there for a while and took a picture of her sitting in it before I helped her back down. She was pissed.
   7. I used to wait until she got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and then I would hide in the closet and when she came back...lol, I would say "I want to suck your blood" in a Dracula kind of voice. or I would crawl after her on my hands and knees barking like a dog...scaring her half to death and then I would laugh my butt off.
   8. I tried to teach her how to drive my stick-shift.....and for fear of personal safety, I decided it was best she never learned.
   9. Her best friend lives in Michigan and when they get together, they get a little wild.
   10. I use to put her in my baby buggy and I would push her around the house. Sometimes I missed the doorway and she got quite a jolt.
   11. She was called pea-dunker when she was a little girl because she was so tiny she couldn't dunk a pea if she sat on it.
   12. I was never afraid she would get hurt if someone started picking on her. That girl can kick some ass, she is tough.
   13. She threw a dead skunk on the air conditioner for the school Superintendents office.
   14. She hit a cow and put her husbands truck on its side in a ditch. The cow dies, Tisha's only injury was a bump on her head from where a socket wrench kit hit her.
   15. The manager of a Hooters in Florida offered her a job.
   16. She dreams that she can speak french.
   17. The animals on her farm have species confusion. It must be the water out there.
   18. She is in lust with Johnny Depp and would leave her hubby in a split second if Johnny showed up in town and she thought she had a shot with him.
   19. She has an extensive DVD collection.
   20. She may be very pale but she can get a tan...I can't.
   21. She has was escorted out of a Wal-Mart and put on their hostile customer list. In her defense, she was totally justified in losing her temper.
   22. She can knit.
   23. She can pop the tendon in her ankle back and forth...its gross.
   24. She collects elephant figurines.
   25. I am her favorite sister, basically because I am her only sister and there is nothing she can do about it.
   
   Wanna hear more? Maybe I will get her to make up a list of 100 random facts about herself.
   

...and the award for Dumb Ass of the Century goes to...

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW! Ok, so my cousin Jeff sent me an email a little bit ago asking for some pictures of Dewey's bears. Ofcourse I have them because I had to have proof that these suckers existed. People don't believe me, but in all honesty, I didn't believe it when I first heard he bought some bears either. So Jeff tells me that when he was down there last week with a hunting buddy, they stopped by to see two of the bears that Dewey has at the farm. Jeff said the female lunged at Dewey and that Jeff asked if he should be video taping it so they could make a little money from it. LOL, aww Jeff, you got to love that brain of his.

Sure Dewey is trying to find a home for the bears...all six of them, two carrying cubs....but I doubt he is looking very hard. I'm still thinking that Tisha should soak his clothes in salmon and send him in there alone, but only after she takes a huge life insurance policy on him. Hey, you can't deny her the chance to get her money back out of these bears, can you?

Shh, don't tell him...

Pops, I think it may be time to consider giving up the cancer stick. Yes, toss those Marlboro's out the door right now! For goodness sake, I don't smoke but even I know that you put the filter in your mouth, not the other way around.